Revitalise your sex life


 Many people don’t have an idea about what gives sexual fulfilment to their partners. They don’t even know how often their partner wants sex.

For instance, do you know how much hugging and cuddling your wife or lover needs before and after intercourse? How about the sexual fantasies each partner nurses? Well, paying a little extra attention may be all it takes to transform your sex life from boring to a sizzling one.

Couples put much effort into their careers, friendship and parenting; they read books and improve on all other areas in their lives. That’s not a bad idea at all. But good sex requires the same level of attention and education. That means making time to think about it and ensuring you have enough energy because it matters a lot.

Romance is like the goose while sex is like the golden egg. You don’t kill the goose that lays the golden egg. Romance your partners at least once every other day, kiss for ten seconds every morning when you say good-bye and every evening when you say hello.

Hug each other for 20 seconds each day and flirt with each other. Even when there isn’t time for sex, make sure your mate knows you want to have it with him or her at any convenient time. Leave a romantic message on your partner’s phone or e-mail. Daydream about making love to your spouse while doing the laundry, dishes, and while at work or during your free time and so on. Once in a while, while getting ready for bed, light a scented candle and play romantic music on the radio or CD player. This is one of the best stimulants.

Anytime the opportunity arises, give your spouse a one-minute shoulder rub. Go as far as renting a romantic movie and watch it together after the children might have retired to their room. One of the secrets of sexual fireworks is that the fervor and passion must never be taken for granted because one in three men wishes their wives were better in bed.

Be generous outside of the bedroom with foot rubs, shoulder rubs and loving words. Little signs of affection can build up and put you both in a mood that you weren’t necessarily expecting. Nothing is spoilt when husband and wife shower together before bed time; seeing the glistening body of each other is not only sexy, it sparks raw fire.

No harm happens to the marriage when partners play together. Go ahead and play a recreational team sport, with your partner. It will help keep you both fit, relieve stress and enable you to work as a team. It builds camaraderie and spices things up in the bedroom. Note that while playing together, wives should remember to put on seductive underwear. Most men like white cotton panties, especially the ones that are seductively designed.

Don’t forget to break away from the children’s grip and everyday life chores by ‘eloping’ out once or twice a year: book a night in a hotel as it enables couples to let loose and focus on themselves once in a while. Go ahead, become each other’s baby and share bedtime stories.

Take the bull by the horn. You can’t sit around waiting for someone to make you happy, and that goes for sexual happiness too. When there is a raise in salary, the arrival of a new car in your garage or something new and special happens in the family, you can think up an extraordinary way of celebrating it.

Pay yourselves compliments as women expect and need to hear such words as much as men do. If he knows you think he’s sexy, he’ll try harder in bed to please you and prove that you’re right. With one compliment a week, the flame will burn anew.

In all you do as a couple, put sex first. Let it top your day-to -day priorities. It’s harder to find time together when the children are either toddlers or teenagers – they stay up later than you do and most times know what you are up to. So, sometimes you have to put your relationship first before the children; that could mean sneaking into the visitor’s room, the pent house or the master bedroom bathroom to have a short warm sexual escapade together. And it’s worth it.

The fact remains that when these children are long gone, it is what both of you practice now that you will continue to do. So, don’t ignore your day-to-day activities and ‘hide-and-seek-games.’ If both of you are not sexually naughty now, you may bore yourselves to death when they are gone.

Wives should not send their husbands on sabbatical leave for nine months on account of pregnancy as such husbands may not come back from the long vacation. Statistics indicate that many husbands frequently think about sex more than their wives do. It is of utmost importance to them to know that their wives need them sexually. It does not matter if the wife is pregnant, nursing a baby or has reached menopause.

For ninety per cent of these men, an intense sexual relationship with their wives is more of a physical and emotional tranquiliser; it enables them to relax afterwards. They solve life issues better subsequently after sex, become calm and relaxed. A sexually-fulfilled man is a better giver, better lover and a better care-giver.

Therefore, pregnant and nursing wives should know that the sexual desire of their husbands is basically a matter of hormonal functions and regulations. It is also ‘ever-present’ and they need physiological release. So, when a wife at any stage of motherhood maintains an enthusiastic sexual interaction in the marriage relationship, their husbands feel more secure and more desired as he grows older. Such husbands are better fathers, providers and home makers. In all you do, put sex first if you want the fireworks back in your marriage.

QUESTION ONE

My husband doesn’t enjoy kissing at all, but l do. When I kiss him, he pulls away quickly. I love kissing and I am missing it a lot due to his disposition. He thinks it’s “somehow.” This is my first marriage, but a second one for my husband. Is there anything we can do?

Don’t be offended by this question; have you checked your breath? Seriously! One simple reason some mates don’t like to kiss is that their partners have chronic bad breath. Ask a very good friend or your dentist. There are ways your dentist can help alleviate that problem. If you pass the ‘breath test,’ ask your husband what it is about kissing that he finds ‘offensive.’ If he doesn’t like kissing, what does he hate about it? Then, try to seek a solution to the problem. That will say to him, “you are important to me, and I want to please you.” You will then have a happier man (and it’s a lot more fun living with a happy man). Maybe, someday, he’ll change his mind about kissing, or kiss you just as his gift to you. In the meantime, take an adventure in unselfishness by providing what pleases him most.

QUESTION TWO

My wife doesn’t want sex as often as I do and I understand that this is typical of some women. But if my need seems great and she’s not in the mood, is it okay for me to try to warm things up? I’m wondering if there’s any way I can be considerate and self-sacrificing, and still get enough sex.

When you’re sharing your feelings, you can make clear to your wife what you have in mind. But make sure you stress that you want the time together to be pleasurable for her. It might be a good idea to try this approach when you are not feeling desperate for sex.

I find there are times when I’m not really in the mood for sex, but I’m still willing to be available to my spouse. It’s helpful if he understands this and is able to lower his expectations for how much time I can offer. Discuss that possibility with your wife, and strive for openness and honesty with each other. Talking is a wonderful way to connect emotionally before you try to connect sexually.

Understanding female sexuality can be a real challenge, but it’s essential if you want to connect with your wife. This could help you understand your wife, and it could be a springboard for talking with her about your differences. She needs to understand the intensity of your feelings and drive just as much as you must discover what activates her positive response.

QUESTION THREE

After having hot and passionate sex life for the first four years of marriage, my husband and I finally talked things out. Now, we have wonderful, incredible sex. My problem is that I am somehow addicted. It doesn’t seem right for me to be so consumed with sexual thoughts and desire, or to want sex as much as I do, which is constantly. I feel out of control, and that can’t be godly behavior – even if my urge is directed toward my husband. How can I control this?

It’s fairly unusual for a woman to find herself consumed by sexual thoughts and desires, but it’s not pathological or even necessarily “ungodly.” Sexual drive and pleasure are part of God’s creative design. The problem comes when a person’s sexual feelings and fantasies go outside the marital boundary. It’s important for you and your husband to keep on talking in order to protect your faithfulness in marriage.

It’s also problematic when sexual thought or behavior begins to interfere with other responsibilities. For instance, if you withdraw from other relationships, become negligent in caring for your children or abandon your own spiritual life, some control would become necessary. The good news is that compulsive behavior can be controlled.

First try a spiritual approach. For instance, when sexual thoughts enter your mind, you can substitute prayerfully devotional reading to change the obsessive thought patterns. Or you can try focusing your mind on a noble and worthy event. You’ll discover that the frequency of your sexual thoughts decreases.

A second approach is to do some physically challenging jobs, which can reduce sexual drive.

You may need professional counseling to explore the reasons for your intense ‘turn on’ and establish better control. Be careful in choosing a counselor. Find a highly experienced and trustworthy therapist.

QUESTION FOUR

My wife and I have been married for nine months, and she hasn’t yet had an orgasm. She has certain fears regarding sex and a lot of inhibitions. There are distinct boundaries that never get crossed. I don’t blame her, but she blames herself. What can we do to help things get better?

Many new couples have similar experiences; early adjustment problems are not unusual. They have questions related to physical intimacy. Many of the Christian books on sexuality can be helpful in overcoming inhibitions. Since sexual development is such a private experience, there can be many reasons for the difficulty. It might be helpful to see a qualified counselor to help your wife work through feelings that block her orgasmic response. These could be related to early restrictive teachings that presented sex as dirty. Many women were never given the message that marital sex is a God-given gift meant for our pleasure.

Another common cause is a woman’s need for her own emotional control and related feelings of anxiety as erotic stimulation increases. The intensity of pre-orgasmic excitation can seem threatening for a woman who has learned to stay in control of her feelings. Also, guilt related to sexual fantasies or premarital experiences can create barriers to full sexual enjoyment. Of course, early sexual abuse can stimulate fearful associations.

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